Guest Post: Finding Yourself Amidst the Rubble of your Divorce

We can get so entrenched in being part of a ‘unit’ when married that we lose ourselves.  If our spouse is the dominant one, we may have fallen into a pattern of acquiescing to his/her desires and demands.  If there are issues of anger management, abuse, addiction or control, we may have shrunk so far into the shadows of the marriage that we got lost.  

That is what happened to me. When my marriage was clearly on the rocks, I reached out for help to a therapist I had seen years earlier.  I remember her stating (ever so gently) that I was a shell of the woman she had met previously. I was lost and truly didn’t know how to find my way back to being me.

If you haven’t been in that situation, you might cock your head to the side and wonder how is that possible.  But for those who have, I hope this article is a beacon of light to help you find your way home to the uniquely beautiful, powerful person you were designed to be.

When something goes ‘wrong’, whose voice do you hear in your head?  Do you immediately wonder how your spouse is going to react or what they are going to say and then figure out how you will respond accordingly?  When you want to do something, is the voice in your head encouraging and building you up or tearing you down?  Do you know what you think and how you feel and can you stand firmly in your own opinions?  Or do you have doubt and look toward him or her for direction, guidance, and acknowledgement?

If you have lost yourself, take comfort in knowing that simply being aware of it is the first step to finding your way back.

First, put your bat away!!  You have probably been ‘beat up’ enough by the words or actions of the controlling personality in your life and you do not need to berate yourself but rather to be gentle, loving and compassionate.  I used to call myself ‘such an idiot’.  That certainly didn’t help me get back on my feet.

Second, look at how you treat yourself.  No one is going to treat you with respect until you respect and love yourself.  If you have children, when they do something ‘wrong’ would you speak to them the way you speak to yourself?  Most likely not.  Begin to parent yourself the way you parent your children.  Show love and compassion and patience with yourself.

Third, draw up an eviction notice!  That’s right, it is time to evict him or her from you head.  They are renting space in your head and it is not serving you in the least.  Their voice is loud and booming and yours has become a barely audible whisper. Send them packing.  

A fun exercise (especially if you feel intimidated by this person) is to imagine a caricature of them...all their most prevalent physical features enhanced.  Now imagine them with a worn out suitcase looking timid while packing and leaving.  Each time you hear their voice instead of yours in your head, imagine the caricature of you evicting them and you will smile and shift your thoughts.

Finally, now that they have been evicted, you need to move back in!  This is sometimes the hardest step and a great place to work with a coach to help you dust off who you are and who you want to be and step back into your power.  Ask yourself a series of questions when situations arise:

What do I think about ____?

How do you feel about ____?

How would I react if I did not have to consider anyone else’s perspective?

  

If his or her voice comes back, consider what you would do if they were not part of the equation...if they had taken a trip to the moon...no fear, no consequences, no criticism.  

It is perfectly natural to be unsure, even insecure in your own thoughts and feelings if you have been living in the shadows of another person.  No worries.  It’s like riding a bike and before you know it you are clear, confident and fully capable of not only knowing what you think but of speaking your mind and standing by your values and beliefs.

If this article rings true for you or you used to be in this situation and have found your way home to yourself, we would love to hear from you.  Tell us your story or share your tips.

Karen McMahon, Certified Relationship & Divorce Coach and the Founder of JourneyBeyondDivorce.com.  Karen has created a team of divorce coaches whose passion is to work with men and women facing relationship challenges or going through the divorce process.  Her desire is to help them navigate their difficulties while focusing on personal growth and embracing the opportunities inherent in their changing circumstances.

Don't Believe What You Hear in the News

Sluggish economy…

Raging Debt…

High unemployment…

These are negative messages we hear on a daily basis about the state of our country’s economic condition - and we’ve heard them for years now. It is no wonder that thousands of people have given up and stopped looking for a job.

Not only do people believe the bad news they hear, but they accept the negative messages they believe about themselves –

I’m too old to get a job, they won’t hire me…

I’ve been out of work too long…

I’m competing with others who are more talented (educated, smarter, etc.) than me…

But, what if you believed that there ARE jobs out there – AND you can get the one you want - regardless of the bad news?

I saw the movie The Internship this weekend and while it was an uplifting movie over all, the clear message from the beginning was that young people today have to jump through hoops to get their first real job because it’s just not as easy as it used to be.

Consistent readers of this blog will know that I’ve been preaching FOREVER that the way to get a job and advance your career is to make yourself irresistible to employers so that they want you and are sold on hiring you even before you walk in for an interview.

So, if you SERIOUSLY want to get a job in today’s job market, here’s what you need to do:

(This advice applies to entry-level college grads as well.)

1)     Cultivate a winning mindset by starting a personal empowerment regimen

Ignore the bad news. Don’t believe what you hear. Instead believe in yourself. You can get the job you want if you’re willing to get the skills you need and willing to do what it takes to get yourself out there. Instead of listening to the bad news, fill your mind on a daily basis with positive messages. One of the best things you can do is to listen to motivational speakers on DVDs. Also fill your mind with positive affirmations – tell yourself “I can do it. It is possible.”

2)     Become Self-Reliant

No one is going to get you a job but YOU. You can read all the books in the world about how to get a job, join support groups, hire a coach, etc., but ultimately you are responsible for whether or not you get a job. You are the one who makes the decision about how much time and effort you are willing to invest to reach your goal.

3)     Have a clear vision for your career

Before you can look for a job, you have to be absolutely clear about the job you want. When you’re desperate for a job it’s easy to go after any job, but this will work against your efforts. It’s like fishing with a gun rather than fishing with a hook and bait. Once you have a clear vision for the job you want you can get the skills you need, write a focused resume, and target and contact the best companies that will be willing to hire you.

4)     Invest in yourself - develop your skills

Find out what skills you need for the job you’re targeting – then get those skills. The ways to find out are by looking at the list of qualifications in job postings and having conversations with people who have the job you want or are in that industry and who can give you the best advice about what you need to do or have to secure the job.

5)     Build your resume

Once you know what skills you need to get the job you want, it’s time to get the practical experience you need by using those skills so that you can add that experience to your resume. Keep in mind that it doesn’t matter if that experience is paid or not as long as it’s relevant experience.

6)     Get a professionally written resume

Your resume is the first chance a hiring manager gets to meet you. You don’t want to ruin your chances of being called in for an interview. The majority of people don’t have the writing and marketing skills to present their accomplishments on paper in the strongest light. Hire an expert to do it for you.

7)     Go after a job; don’t be passive

The most effective ways to get a job involve meeting face-to-face with people (networking) and contacting your target companies (direct contact). Spending the majority of your time applying to job postings is like taking a shot in the dark approach. It just won’t help you to get yourself out there.

8)     Be persistent in the face of failure

It is true that finding a job today is not easy and it may take longer than you’d like. There are tons of jobs out there (many of them unadvertised) but you have to be relentless. Think of yourself as a bulldog going after a bone.

9)     If you can’t get the job you want right now, do this

If it takes longer than you’d like to get the job you want you can: a) get a bridge job, b) work as a consultant or c) start your own part-time business in order to support yourself and pay the bills until you get the job you want. Remember, you always have options even when you think there are none.

How Your Résumé Can Make You More Money

A great résumé can be a powerful thing – so powerful that it can increase your income.

Before telling you about an interesting strategy for using your résumé as an instrument to get you more money, it’s vital to understand what makes a GREAT résumé. You can find out the guidelines for writing a great résumé by reading my last blog post entitled “Does Your Resume Sell You?”

In a nutshell, your résumé should convey your qualifications, accomplishments and experience as they relate to the job position you’re targeting:

Unfortunately, most people write their résumé as a job description where they make note of what their responsibilities were at every job they ever had. This will not “sell” you to prospective employers.

The following strategy works best for those who are currently employed and not necessarily looking for a new job: –

First, put together a WOW résumé that “sells” you to prospective employers and post it to major job boards such as CareerBuilder, Monster, Indeed, Dice, YahooJobs, etc. – to find specific job boards for your particular job position, search by the job position title and the words “job boards.” Also, you can post your résumé anonymously using each job board’s privacy options if you are concerned about your current employer finding your résumé online.

Now, just sit back and wait to see what type of response you get. There are always recruiters out there scanning job boards for great applicants; that’s their job after all!

Don’t stop there - Be sure to update your résumé on a quarterly basis by adding any additional experience you’ve obtained such as a new job function, new system or technology you’ve learned and become an expert in using. Make updating your résumé a regular practice by scheduling it on your calendar so you don’t forget. (Google Calendars is a free app you can use for this purpose.) Then repost it to those same job boards.

In general, recruiters search for résumés that have been recently uploaded, for example, within the last 30 days, so reposting your résumé will give your résumé a better chance of being found. By having an up-to-date résumé you will always be ready if you suddenly need to find a job. An easy way to keep track of your accomplishments is to write them down as they occur and then to file them in a folder. You can then look through your “accomplishment folder” when arranging for your résumé update.

Key point: The fastest way to make more money is to get a new job that pays more than you’re currently getting. Even if you don’t want to leave your current job, you can use that new offer as leverage to get a raise at your current job.

Here are some other benefits of keeping your résumé up-to-date and going through this process:

1)     It will keep you focused on creating accomplishments.

2)     It will increase your confidence by helping you to realize the value you bring to an organization.

3)     It will help you to convey your value during your performance reviews and job interviews.

So, be sure to dust off your current résumé, have it professionally written and updated, and start posting to job boards!

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Would you like to make more money?

If you are looking for professional help with proven strategies for advancing your career –

or if you need a GREAT resume that opens the doors to interviews -

Call (201) 236-1158 or email Donna@CACoaching.com.

Does Your Resume "Sell" You?

I recently received a flyer in the mail from a window cleaning service which caught my eye because my windows desperately need some overdue cleaning! The flyer included a company web address, so I decided to look them over to decide whether or not to call them for an estimate for the work.

I was pleasantly surprised by the information they provided; they had pictures of their work, beautiful homes and impressive office buildings, a website that was easy to navigate and well-organized, client testimonials that addressed the concerns they had taken care of, and seals of approval from rating agencies that verified their work. 

They had me sold!

If you want to capture a prospective employer's attention with your résumé, you have to do the same thing. Think about it. Employers need to hire candidates that will do a great job for them, but they have no idea as to whether or not you can meet their expectations. The best way to convince them is to showcase your work experience and set out your past accomplishments so they can envision how you will do the same for them.

Here are 7 ways to market yourself as a great candidate that companies would LOVE to hire:

1)     Write your résumé focused on a specific job target

The number one mistake people make when preparing a résumé is writing a generalized, generic résumé that they think can be used for a number of job positions. They believe they are qualified to do a number of jobs so they make sure they include all of their competencies, skills and background relating to many jobs. It is much more effective to decide first on the job position you want to target and then write the résumé highlighting your experience as it pertains to that job position. If you want to target more than one job then prepare more than one résumé.

2)     Convey your brand

Your brand should tell the prospective employer what uniquely sets you apart from other candidates vying for the same position. One way to do this is to imagine yourself sitting in the reception area next to someone who has a similar background, experience, education, and qualifications as you do. Why should the prospective employer hire you instead of him or her?

3)     Grab their attention with an outstanding summary statement

This is the most important part of the résumé and determines whether or not the hiring manager will keep reading.  This is your opportunity to shine and sell yourself.  If possible, summarize your career by setting out 3 or 4 of your most important qualifications and accomplishments.

4)     Write about your accomplishments

Another BIG mistake that I see on "homemade" résumés is to set out a laundry list of responsibilities. It is much more impressive and will REALLY get the hiring manager's attention if you write about your accomplishments instead. Be sure to quantify those accomplishments whenever possible.

5)     Make it clear, concise, and compelling

It is EXTREMELY tempting to make sure you cover every single important fact about your career history but surprisingly, not the most effective. It is not uncommon for people to write reams of wordy paragraphs and to make their résumé too long. A better strategy is to tell just enough to peak their interest. It should be readily apparent what you have done, easy to understand, and to the point.

6)     Format your résumé for easy readability

If you're like me (and most people) you are not a fan of reading long, detailed instruction manuals - and yet that's the way many people write their résumés; tons of info, not a lot of white space on the page, small fonts to squeeze in all of that info... Now just imagine having to read those documents all day long! If you make your résumé easy to read, you will increase your chances of having your résumé read in the first place.

7)     Use significant key words

Your résumé will very likely be scanned by 3 different audiences: computer databases, administrative personnel, and the actual hiring manager. In all three cases (especially the first two) it is important to include significant keywords that demonstrate that you possess the qualifications necessary to do the job. You wouldn't want your résumé to get lost among hundreds of others just because it wasn't immediately apparent that you had the background, skills, and competencies they were looking for!

If you follow the above guidelines for writing a GREAT résumé, you, too will have them sold!

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Want to have a professionally written résumé that “sells” you to prospective employers?

Contact Donna@CACoaching.com for a free evaluation of your current résumé.

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The Truth About Getting a Job Today

When it was time to begin looking for a college for my son to attend, I found a really great book which gave an insider’s scoop on how to get into a top-tier college - including Ivy League colleges. (If you’re interested, the name of the book is, “The Truth About Getting In,” by Katherine Cohen, Ph.D.) The book provides a lot of insight and information about what it really takes to get into the college of your dreams.

The idea of getting into a top-tier college can be likened to trying to get a job today – I’m sorry to say, it seems to be just as hard! Unfortunately, I keep coming across job seekers who just don’t have a clue as to what it takes to get a job in this difficult job market. While it may be very hard to get a good job today, it is certainly possible – if you do the right things to get in.

Here is a list of the essential things you need to do to get in and get a great job today (I’m not talking Starbucks!):

1)     Prepare marketing materials that “sell” you. Be sure to hire a trained, certified, expert resume writer – don’t try to do the job yourself and don’t think the $99 - $199 resume writer you can get on Craigslist will do the trick. Would you go to a physician’s assistant to treat a brain tumor?

2)     Identify your accomplishments; if you don’t have enough, get some. Volunteer to do pro bono work and get endorsements that attest to your work product.

3)     Convey your uniqueness. What sets you apart from the 300 other candidates vying for the same job?

4)     Separate yourself from the pack in your industry. It may require getting a higher degree or certification to develop expertise in a highly sought after niche area of your industry.

5)     Position yourself in the top 10% in your industry. Remember how everyone was so impressed by the kids who graduated at the top of their class? There is no arguing with excellence.

6)     Establish meaningful networks. Join trade associations and actively get involved and get to know the members. You never know, the next person you set up a Starbucks coffee date with may put you in touch with a company that has the perfect job opening for you.

7)     Don’t look for a job ONLY using traditional methods. I want to scream every time a job seeker tells me they’ve spent the majority of their time submitting their resume to job postings on job boards. It’s like the disillusioned, bad singers you see on American Idol; I’m always shocked at how they really think they have good singing voices!

Finally, please keep in mind…

Even if you work extremely hard at setting yourself up for success, it’s a process that doesn’t happen overnight.

Finding a job can be compared to starting up a new business; there are a lot of things you have to get in place and set in motion before the business begins to thrive. For example, it takes time to write up a business and marketing plan, identify and get in touch with your ideal customers, set up systems, get financing, serve your customer, create good will – you get the idea – it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process that takes time, but once everything is set in place the business will eventually be self-sustainable.

Here’s the really good news.

Once you establish yourself as a sought-after worker and have a valuable network in place, you will never, EVER have to look for a job again; the jobs will come to you.

Divorced and out of work...now what?

It's hard enough to cope with the life changing event of going through a divorce, but even more disconcerting when you have to find a job after having been away from the workplace for an extended period of time. It can be scary to suddenly have to support yourself financially - although the positive side of this challenge is that it is an opportunity for growth and empowering to know that you can triumph in a difficult situation and have full control of your life.

A few common issues faced by divorced men and women who are re-entering the job market are:

·         Lack of career direction

·         Gaps in employment

·         Skills that may need to be updated

Here are seven strategies for overcoming these problems:

1)     Adopt a Positive Mindset

As with any difficult challenge in life, the #1 ingredient that guarantees success is to possess the right mindset that will work for you rather than against you. When faced with seemingly daunting tasks to undertake, the initial reaction may be to feel overwhelmed and paralyzed.  It's vital to believe in yourself and your ability to handle any situation that life throws your way.  

2)     Get Focused and Decide What Position(s) to Target

If you have no idea what type of work you want to do or qualify for, it may be tempting to go on job boards, look over advertised openings and apply to anything and everything that you think might be a job you can get. This strategy rarely works. Instead, ask yourself this question: "What job positions do I qualify for based on my education, experience, and background?" Then focus on one or two positions you're interested in and appear to be a good fit for you.

3)     Deal with Employment Gaps on your Resume

As part of your toolkit for the job hunt, it is imperative to have a well-written, impactful resume that will get a prospective employer's attention to call you in for an interview. If you've been away from the workplace for years, employers will assume that your skills are not up-to-date. The best strategy to adopt is to either create a resume with a functional format (one that relies on categorical, skills-based sections to demonstrate your qualifications for a particular job) or include any recent volunteer experience relevant to the job position you're targeting.

4)     Update your Skills

It is important to scour job openings and descriptions to find out exactly what qualifications employers are looking for within a particular job position. If you don't have those skills, it may take you out of the running for that job position, so it would be in your best interest to acquire that knowledge. If you need to update your computer software skills for example, you can take classes, hijack the nearest kid for help or take a book out of the library and practice until you've mastered your topic.

5)     Get a temporary job

Sign up with a few temp agencies in your area. The benefits are numerous; you'll be able to update your skills, build your experience, make connections and enhance your resume. It will also allow you to decide if that job position is one you would like to have on a permanent basis.  You never know, it may also lead to an offer for permanent employment.

 

6)     Network to Find a Job

The advantage many people have from being away from the workforce for an extended period of time is having formed a lot of social connections; especially, through volunteer work. Let your connections know that you are looking to re-enter the workplace. Tell them specifically what you're looking for and qualified to do then ask them for advice as opposed to asking if they know of job openings. Do your homework and be prepared to let them know what you're specifically looking for them to help you with. Some possibilities may be to ask them to be a reference, provide insider information on a particular company or industry, or to provide an introduction to someone in your field.

7)     Get Support

Getting support is imperative and can be the difference between failing and succeeding in the job search. Join a job search support group, hire a Career Coach or at the very least enlist the help of a buddy to keep tabs on your progress. Searching for a job today can be quite challenging. You will need a support system to motivate you, keep you accountable for all of the actions you will need to take, and to give you ideas when your job search doesn't always go according to plan.

Small Biz Success Story – Grass Roots Flooring, an Online Business

My goal in interviewing small business owners is to provide my listeners with ideas and possibilities for owning and operating their own business. Jen Ortega of Grass Roots Flooring did not disappoint! She provided prospective small business owners with some great ideas for starting up and marketing an online business. During the interview, she explained why she and her partner chose an online retail business.

Here were some of their reasons:

·         They wanted to be able to drop ship their products so they wouldn’t have to bother with packaging and mailing a product

·         Low start-up costs

·         Low overhead

·         The ability to provide quality at affordable prices

·         Less stress

I would add that another benefit to having your own online store is that people can buy your products at any time of the day so you’re not bound by time constraints in selling your products.

She also related how they decided on the product they chose to sell (hint: it had to do with their love of watching HGTV!) and the essential steps they needed to take in order to become educated in selling their product. I think one of the best points that Jen made was that you don’t have to know everything about your business in order to start up your business – the knowledge will come as you move forward.

This point struck a chord with me as I see so many of people who never reach out and grab a hold of their dreams because they get stuck in analysis paralysis!

Jen and her partner are a shining example of believing in yourself and just going for your dreams – that begins with having the confidence that you will meet every challenge as it arises (she related some of these challenges in the interview as well).

After all, isn’t that what a life worth living is all about anyway?

It’s the ability to meet every challenge that comes your way with the confidence that you can handle it!